My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
