I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I could fuck to npr.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
