Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
