Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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