Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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