Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
