im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
