So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
