sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
