I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
