Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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