Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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