I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
