I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
