By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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