I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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