I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
