so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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