You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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