drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
