party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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