Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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