WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
