My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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