Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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