Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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