It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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