Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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