im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
