fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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