i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
