Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
