I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
