I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
