I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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