morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
