If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
