Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Acid is not a monday night drug
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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