My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How naked do you want me to be?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
