Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
