the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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