I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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