You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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