i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
