at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
