I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
