remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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