I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
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