if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
