??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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